This Weapon Is Your Life
by sturwurstrash
Summary: Kanan's thoughts after losing his lightsaber in "Jedi Night," plus two encounters with the lightsaber after his death.
1. 1 BBY: Lothal

Kanan knew his time was coming. He knew from the moment the Loth-wolf stopped him on the highway to Capital City. He didn't want to believe it then. He spent hours meditating following the encounter, hoping and praying that there would be a different outcome, but he'd spent years fighting the Force and if there was one thing Kanan Jarrus learned from that, it was that the Force answered to no one. Its will would be carried out no matter how hard you tried to fight it.

And now, as he lay on the glider with Hera's warm body pressed next to his, he knew with a surety what he had to do. He felt the cold gusts of wind piercing him, felt Hera's lekku softly bumping against his back, being blown by the wind like his hair would have been had he not cut it. He smelled the pollution in the air as they made their way closer and closer to the fuel depot. Yet ultimately, he felt the absence of his lightsaber at his side, like the warmth of the sun, constant and sure, had been ripped from the sky and his world was suddenly filled with a lingering chill.

That was why he knew. He knew what a lightsaber meant to a Jedi, especially one like him. A Jedi on the run, one that was hunted by the entire galaxy. It was strange, Kanan thought, that a man like him who had been running from his past for so long, a Jedi who kept his lightsaber hidden away longer than he had kept it by his side, could feel so barren without it.

When Ruhk had knocked the lightsaber out of his hand, he felt the humming of his kyber crystal growing more and more distant until he could sense it no longer. He supposed it had fallen hundreds of feet from the dome, and in that moment, he knew he wouldn't be getting it back. Even though Kanan Jarrus was blind, he never had a problem locating his lightsaber, even in the early days after Malachor. Jedi had a deep connection to their kyber crystal, the Force made sure of that.

His thoughts turned to his old life, the one where he was called Caleb Dume.

 _"_ _This weapon is your life, Caleb. You mustn't lose it."_ Master Billaba had told him that during his first campaign on Kardoa, when in an excited frenzy to officially be part of the Clone War, he had left his lightsaber at their encampment, not realizing it wasn't with him.

He had been so young, exuberant and innocent then, not realizing the gravitas of the situation. At the time, he wondered about Master Billaba's words. _Why is it my life? What does she mean by that?_

Now he knew. That kyber crystal had seen many battles. It had protected his master, it had protected his battalion, it had protected his family: Hera, Ezra, Sabine, Zeb and even Chopper. It had protected _him_. That lightsaber had been a true and faithful companion, even during the long years he had kept it hidden from the galaxy, from himself.

 _"_ _This weapon is your life."_ His lightsaber was gone now. He knew what he had to do. To protect Ezra's home, to protect the Rebellion, to protect Hera and their unborn child, to protect his family, his crew. He knew there was no other way. The Force had always been with him, and this moment was no different. Ezra would be safe, Hera and their child would be safe, Sabine would be safe.

 _"_ _This weapon is your life,"_ he thought while running towards the fuel tanks with Hera by his side.


	2. 2 and a Half ABY: Hoth

As Sabine stepped off her ship and into the cold slushy snow of Hoth, she decided that she didn't regret her decision to leave the Rebellion. What were the rebels thinking, hiding out here on a rock as desolate as this anyway? Sabine was certain if she was still a member of the rebellion, she could have found ten planets better to build a base than this one.

"General Syndulla is waiting for you Lady Wren." a young lieutenant stated while standing stiffly next to her ship.

"You're from Mandalore," Sabine said in a matter-of-fact tone. "And don't call me Lady Wren. It's Sabine."

"Yes. Well… right this way… Sabine."

Sabine hadn't been back to a rebel base since Yavin. Not that she'd needed to. Yet still, despite word from the others on the growth of the rebellion, she hadn't truly imagined the type of growth she was seeing before her eyes. Ships filled the hangar, personnel and droids going every which way. If she wasn't being escorted, she wasn't sure she'd be able to find _The Ghost_ on her own. Absentmindedly, Sabine wondered when Mandalorians had started joining the rebellion. Though she supposed she was actually the first one to do so.

Once they reached _The Ghost_ , she found Hera waiting at the bottom of the ramp with Jacen in her arms. They both looked so strange, wrapped in more layers of clothing than Sabine was accustomed to seeing them in.

"Sabine," Hera said wrapping her free arm around the small girl. "What brings you here?"

"Thought you'd be glad to see me Hera."

"When have I not been glad to have one of my own back aboard _The Ghost_?" Hera chided as they walked up the ramp.

As they walked into the galley, Sabine remembered just how much she hated this ship. After Lothal, she couldn't understand how Hera still enjoyed living in it. To Sabine, it just brought everything back up to the surface. The ship felt so empty in the days following their ordeal on Ezra's homeworld and every second she spent in it made her feel as if she was suffocating. She eventually ended up buying a speeder and told Hera she was moving into Ezra's tower. They had fought over it, but eventually Hera conceded that as a young woman, she couldn't tell Sabine what to do anymore.

After putting Jacen down for a nap and making two steaming cups of caf, Hera broke the silence. "Really, Sabine. Out of all the bases you could have stopped by to visit, you chose this one. You had more than just a visit on your mind when coming here."

It wasn't a question. _Hera, perceptive as ever._ Sabine thought while internally rolling her eyes.

"Well… no. I brought a present." Sabine said.

"Sabine, this isn't like you. Last time you had a present for Jacen you just waited for us to come visit on Lothal."

"This isn't for Jacen." Sabine said, meeting her eyes with Hera's. "It's for you."

"You know I never—"

"Want presents. I know. But trust me Hera, you'll want this one." Sabine said exasperated as she pulled a slim box out of her bag, placing it on the table between them.

"You even wrapped it?" Hera asked incredulously, one eyebrow raised.

"It was given to me this way, Hera. You know I wouldn't waist my time wrapping a gift for you."

"Funny, Sabine." She said as she opened the box, her smile disappearing as she looked at what was inside. "Wh—where…" Suddenly, Sabine realized, Hera was at a loss for words.

"I wasn't joking when I said it was given to me." Sabine whispered, realizing it was difficult for her to talk as well. She took a long drink of her caf before continuing. "This old man, he came up to me. He said he'd seen me around. At the market. He said… he said he remembered me… from the liberation. Said my armor stands out in a crowd."

Suddenly, Sabine didn't know if she could go through with this. What was she thinking, bringing that lightsaber here to Hera? It would have been better if she just kept it in the tower on Lothal. Maybe she should have never—her though was cut off as warm arms surrounded her small frame.

"Thank you, Sabine." Hera whispered shakily into her ear.

And suddenly, Sabine found herself wrapping her arms around Hera, crying into her shoulder. Who was she to cry over this? To cry into Hera's shoulder over this? Then she felt a wetness on her neck, realizing that Hera was crying too. She didn't know how long they stayed that way, only that it was over all too soon.

After she had seen Sabine off, Hera just stared at the lightsaber on the Dejarik table, a million memories flowing through her mind. After a long moment, she realized she didn't want to look at it anymore. Closing the lid of the box and putting her head in her hands, she sighed frustratedly. What was she supposed to do with this? She didn't want it. She thought she had wanted it, but now that she had it…. Scrubbing her eyes, she stood up. She needed to pull herself together.

Hera forlornly wished she could talk to Kanan about this. A harsh laugh escaped her at that thought. She wouldn't be in this predicament if she _could_ talk to Kanan.

She was torn from her thoughts by Jacen stirring in the other room, and she didn't think about the lightsaber for the rest of the day.

Luke sighed. It had been a long day. X-wings didn't fly easily in this weather, and the snow speeders were still being insulated so they could fly properly. Luke wondered what the deal was. They were snow speeders. That meant they were _actually supposed to work in the snow_. He was sick of spending all this time on the ground. Flying helped him clear his mind, it helped him be a better commander and most of all, it helped him meditate easier. Maybe that was what he was upset about. How was he supposed to learn anything about the kriffing Force when there were no resources or teachers to be found. For flying, after all, he had the Rogues, he had Han and Chewie, he even had General Syndulla; although her all-business-no-play attitude was something he liked to avoid if possible. But for the Force he had no one.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't realize that Wedge had come up behind him.

"Hey Luke, your com's going off."

Startled, Luke turned and looked at Wedge, and then down at his com which was indeed blinking.

"Commander Skywalker." Luke said as he pushed the button to activate his com.

The stiff voice of a rookie lieutenant answered him. "Commander Skywalker, please report to General Syndulla's office at 1900."

"What did you do this time?" Wedge mocked while shoving Luke in the shoulder.

"Don't know Wedge, but I'd better go before she gets any angrier." Luke said in a sarcastic tone. "Let's go eat before all the good stuff's gone."

After dinner, Luke walked down the winding halls of the base towards General Syndulla's office. Alone with his thoughts, he began to wonder what she wanted to talk to him about. Wedge was right though, she wouldn't just call him to her office for a chat. She probably had something new she wanted him to do along with everything else. Luke groaned internally, that thought filling his stomach with dread.

As he reached her office door, he hesitated before knocking, taking a deep breath and steeling himself. He hoped it wasn't anything important, although he knew that wouldn't be the case.

"Come in." General Syndulla said after Luke steeled himself and knocked on the door.

Taking a deep breath and activating the door controls, Luke stepped into the office. He found the general sitting at her desk with her nose buried in a datapad, her son sitting on the floor by her side preoccupied with a toy X-wing.

General Syndulla was an interesting figure, Luke mused. He realized in that moment, looking at her son playing on the floor, that he—or any of the Rogues for that matter—didn't know anything about her. She wasn't the friendly type and often kept to herself. He knew she had friends, that Mandalorian girl that visited a few days ago was all the Rogues were talking about. It was beginning to get on Luke's nerves. Luke hadn't seen her, but he doubted she was as beautiful as they were making her out to be. The Rogues, and especially Wedge, loved to exaggerate after all.

His scattered thoughts were interrupted by General Syndulla asking him to take a seat.

"Commander Skywalker," she said. "You are probably wondering why I have called you here this evening."

Luke cleared his throat experimentally. "Um… yes General."

She chuckled slightly at the stricken look Luke didn't even realize he had on his face. "Relax commander, I didn't call you here to berate you or ask you to do more work for me."

"You… you didn't?" Luke asked, started.

She shook her head. "I wanted to ask you about that lightsaber of yours." General Syndulla said gesturing to his weapons belt.

In that moment, Luke realized that General Syndulla didn't know anything about him either. She knew he was a talented pilot, she knew he was the one to blow up the Death Star, she'd probably looked at his file and seen he was an orphan from backwater Tatooine. But other than that, she didn't know anything.

"Are you a Jedi?" She prompted.

Luke stifled a chuckle at that statement. People asked him that from time-to-time, often when they saw the lightsaber on his belt. "I don't think a few days of training from Old Ben count, General." He answered.

"Old Ben?" She asked, a confused look on her face.

"Yeah… General Kenobi. Obi-wan Kenobi, I mean. Old Ben was what everyone called him back home."

"You're from Tatooine, correct?"

"Unfortunately." Luke said.

A slight smile appeared on the general's face at that, however it never reached her eyes. In fact, Luke thought, those eyes seemed a million lightyears away. Luke didn't know what to say to break the silence that had come over the room. The only sounds coming from her son who continued to sit contently playing with his toys.

"May I see it?" She eventually spoke. "Your lightsaber?"

"Of course, General." Luke said as he unclipped it from his belt and set it on her desk.

"Hera." She said. "Please call me Hera. Not around the others though, we wouldn't want to disturb protocol, now would we?"

Luke didn't know what to say to that, so he just nodded.

"Where did you get it?" Hera said, examining the hilt.

This was another thing Luke was always surprised to find out. At first, after the Death Star, everyone seemed to know who his father was, but over time he realized there were many members of the rebellion who didn't connect the dots.

"It was my father's. Ben gave it to me. Told me I could become a Jedi like him. They fought together in the Clone War." And suddenly Luke found the words spilling from his mouth, he found himself telling General Syndulla—no, Hera—the whole story. How they took _The Falcon_ to Alderaan, how they rescued Leia from Tarkin and Vader, how Ben was cut down and became one with the force.

After all that, Hera was quiet for a long time. "I knew some Jedi." She finally spoke. "Not from the Ryloth campaign in the Clone War. I had only heard stories about them."

That distant look was in her eyes again. Luke knew what that look meant. He had seen it too many times. It meant the person in question was broken by war, they had lost too much, seen too much. Suddenly, Hera was a very different person to Luke. She was like Leia, he realized. Leia who had lost everything because of the Death Star had the same eyes when she thought about it. From experience Luke knew you couldn't force the words out of people with those eyes, so he waited patiently for Hera to speak again.

"The Jedi I knew. They were a part of my crew, my family." She said, closing her eyes as if to banish the memories. Memories that if held at bay for too long would burst forth at the most unexpected moments.

Opening a drawer to her desk, Luke saw Hera reach in and grab a long, slender box. Placing it on the table, Hera looked Luke directly in the eyes and said, "My son. He isn't Force-sensitive, is he?"

From a young age, Luke could tell whenever he was around Ben, he felt something different. Now that he knew it was the Force, he began to sense it in other people, but no one he met ever felt as strong in the force as Ben was. The only other member of the Rebellion that felt at all Force-sensitive to him was Leia and he often wondered about that. He didn't know much about the Force. He didn't have any idea where Force-sensitivity came from, but somehow, he knew Leia had it.

Closing his eyes and reaching out around him, he could sense General Hera before him, he could sense her son, still enthralled with his toys, he could sense the various beings mulling through the halls of the base. But he couldn't sense that burning light he felt when he was close to Leia, he couldn't sense any semblance of that clam serenity Ben had. Narrowing in on Hera's son, he couldn't sense anything more beyond what he felt from most beings on the base.

Opening his eyes, Luke looked at the toddler playing in the corner, then back to Hera. "I'm sorry." Luke said. "I don't think he's Force-sensitive."

Hera studied Luke for a long moment, then she opened the box she had pulled out of the drawer earlier. Luke was surprised to see a lightsaber, much like his own, much like Ben's, resting in her green hand.

"This was his father's." Hera finally said. "I needed to know… I needed to know if I should give it to him someday. When he's old enough."

A million questions were running through Luke's head at Hera's revelation, but from the stricken look on her face, Luke realized it wasn't his place to ask.

"This lightsaber," Luke said, picking his own back off the desk, "is the only thing I have to remember my father. It is the most important thing I own. Even though your son doesn't have the Force, if I may General, I think you should still give it to him when he's old enough. Ben told me the lightsaber is the most important thing to a Jedi Knight, don't you think your son would be grateful to own the thing that was most important to his father?"

Looking into Hera's eyes, Luke saw that they were glistening with tears.

"Thank you, Luke." Hera said, placing her green hand on top of Luke's. "Thank you for coming this evening. I appreciate it immensely."

Luke nodded, not knowing what words he could say that would be of any consolidation. This side of General Syndulla, the broken side, was one he was not accustomed to. In that moment, he found the predictable General Syndulla was gone. He found he didn't know what to do anymore.

Suddenly, Hera stood up. Luke took that as his queue to leave. As he attached his father's lightsaber back onto his belt and turned to walk toward the door, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw tears running down Hera's cheeks, finally spilling out of her eyes.

"Thank you. Thank you for everything, Luke."

"You're welcome, General… Hera."

As Luke walked out the door and stepped over the threshold, he heard Hera call his name.

"Luke, if you need anything, anything at all, let me know."

"I will." Luke said as he walked back into to corridor.

Walking to his bunk through the darkened, chilly hallways of the base on Hoth, Luke thought about Hera's words. He didn't know how he had helped her, but he was glad that he did. Maybe someday he could get to know Echo Base's most illusive general a little better.


	3. 6 ABY: Lothal

Ezra stared blankly out at Lothal's plains. His mind everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was strange, Ezra mused, that all his life he could be fighting for survival, but when survival came easy, _living_ was the hardest part. Ezra realized he didn't know how to pick up the remaining pieces and put them back together. He knew that his current state wasn't good for anyone, least of all him, but he couldn't seem to break out of the cages his mind had put him in.

Ezra had been back in known space, back on Lothal for three standard months, but after his elation at meeting Jacen and seeing Hera, Sabine, Zeb and Chopper again had worn off, he found himself stuck in an endless loop of constant thoughts, numbness and nightmares. It was as if his brain wanted him to continue to fight, even though there was nothing to fight for.

The war was over. There was no reason for constant nightmares, panic attacks or long bouts of numbness where he felt no emotions at all but couldn't seem to find the energy to do much of anything either. Some strange part of Ezra just wished things could go back to the way they were before, always on the run, always fighting the Empire. It didn't seem right, it didn't feel natural to be living in a small home on the outskirts of Capital City with Hera, Jacen and Sabine. Everything felt so empty….

"I thought I'd find you here." Hera said, startling Ezra from his thoughts.

"Hera…" he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ezra had been coming out to his old tower a lot the past few weeks, finding that it was one of the only places where he could find some semblance of solace from the chaos that was his mind.

"Your hiding spots aren't very good, Ezra Bridger." Hera mock-scolded while wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

Looking around Ezra realized everything was peacefully quiet and the sky was brighter than before. "You came here alone? Where's Jacen?" He said in a worried tone.

"Relax, Ezra. Sabine's watching over him at home. We were all worried this morning when we woke up and found you gone." Hera said.

A lump formed in Ezra's throat at that statement. He hadn't been thinking when he grabbed his speeder and headed out at dusk.

"I'm sorry," Ezra said, looking into Hera's green eyes, "I should have left a note…."

Silence descended upon them again. Ezra realized that was happening a lot lately, like everyone knew he wasn't himself, but were too afraid to help him crack his self-made façade.

Finally, Hera broke the silence. "It's beautiful up here. Clearer. I understand why you'd come here to clear your head. It's nice."

Ezra merely hummed in agreement, not knowing what to say.

"I know its been hard. Being back," Hera continued on, turning her eyes toward his, "but if you just opened up and let us help you, it could get better. I promise Ezra."

Turing her eyes away and dropping her voice lower, Hera said, "I fought it for a while too. The pain, the grief. But after a while I realized it was pointless. I realized if I just let myself feel, really feel, I could get better faster."

"Hera… I—"

"We are here for you, Ezra." Hera interrupted, her emotion-filled eyes looking again directly into his. "Don't shut yourself out."

Ezra didn't know what to say to any of that, so he simply stared at the long expanse of Lothal's grasses swaying in the wind. A Loth-cat meowed from somewhere on the plains, its sound drifting up to Ezra's ears.

Moving positions again to lean her arms against the railing, Hera said, "You're still Ezra Bridger, even if you don't think you are. Even if you don't think you can ever be again. You don't always have to be fighting or running, Ezra. You can learn to live a little too."

"But… how?" Ezra finally said, his voice small and broken. "How do I live, Hera?"

"I… I don't know, Ezra. That's something that you've got to find out for yourself."

A silence descended upon them as they stared out at the land beyond the tower, both lost in thought. The war wasn't easy on anyone, especially those involved with the Rebellion. Everyone had their share of scars. Yet, Ezra wondered why he of all people was having such a difficult time of it. He wasn't there when the Death Star wreaked havoc across the galaxy, he wasn't there when the Rebellion was driven from base to base quicker than they could find a new one. He wasn't even there for the Battle of Endor. Ezra didn't have the right to be feeling this way when so many others had lost much more than him.

He let out a frustrated sigh. _You shouldn't be feeling this way, Ezra Bridger!_ He thought.

Yet, his internal self-reproach ended as Hera opened her mouth and began to speak hesitantly. "Ezra, I've been meaning to show you something ever since you got back."

Turning to face Hera in response, Ezra noticed the dullness in her usually sparkling eyes. He saw the tight lines on her face as her brow crinkled in worry. "What is it?" Ezra asked.

Hera didn't answer for a long time. She just continued to stare into Ezra's eyes as if she would find the courage to say what she needed to within their depths. Finally, instead of speaking, she just procured the object in question from one of the pockets of her flight suit. Ezra subconsciously wondered why she still wore the thing all the time when she didn't fly _the Ghost_ every single day.

Looking down at the object in Hera's hands, Ezra felt the blood drain from his face.

"Wh-where did you find that?" Ezra questioned after what seemed like a small eternity.

Looking down at the lightsaber, a million unbidden memories swept through Ezra's mind. Memories of turning it on for the first time in Kanan's bedroom. Memories of training atop _the Ghost_ , of fighting alongside Kanan in countless situations, of fighting Kanan and the Nightsisters on Dathomir, of using the saber on missions after his was broken by Darth Vader, but before he found a crystal for a new lightsaber.

He didn't understand. After he and Thrawn had crashed in the Unknown Regions, Ezra had spent days searching the wreckage of _the Chimera_ trying to find Kanan's lightsaber. It only seemed logical to Ezra that after Kanan had lost it in his tangle with Ruhk, that Ruhk would have taken it to Thrawn on his Star destroyer.

But, after days of searching, the only thing of note Ezra had found was some of Sabine's stolen artwork. He decided to steal it back. After that, Ezra believed that it was either destroyed in the wreckage or was lost on Lothal never to be seen again. To see it in Hera's hands after so many years of believing that it was lost left Ezra suck in old memories and at a loss for words.

"Sabine found it." Hera finally said. "I wanted you to know that I have it. That you can use it whenever you like." Looking up into Ezra's eyes Hera continued: "I'll give it to Jacen when he's old enough to understand its significance… and when he's old enough to avoid cutting his arm off with it." She said with a slight smile.

"I… Hera…." Ezra said, finding he was at a loss for words.

Once Hera realized that Ezra was currently incapable of saying anything else, she replied: "I'll let you keep it for the time being. Let you remember him in your own way and on your own time."

Handing the lightsaber to Ezra and turning to leave, Hera added: "Just please come home for dinner tonight. You haven't been eating enough."

"I will Hera. You don't need to worry about me." Ezra said.

"Yes I do, Ezra Bridger. I'll always worry about my children and that includes you."

Ezra didn't know what to say to that. He supposed that he needed to try harder to connect to everyone now that he was back, and he suddenly realized that Hera had probably been worrying about him constantly in his years of absence.

Sighing, he looked out at the plains and watched Hera's speeder grow smaller and smaller as it faded into the distance. As he stared into the vast expanse of Lothal's plains, he felt the weight of Kanan's saber in his hands. Ezra knew things were different, he knew they could never be the same again, but he finally realized he could build a new future, one where Jacen wouldn't have to grow up in the shadow of the Empire. One where Jacen could have support of loved ones in a time without war, and most importantly, Jacen could live in a galaxy that knows what it's like to be free.

 _This weapon is your life_ , Ezra thought as he looked down at Kanan's lightsaber again. He vaguely remembered Kanan telling him that phrase long ago, when Ezra constructed his first lightsaber. Kanan grew up during the Clone War, a time of total upheaval, Ezra realized. He himself grew up in the age of the Empire and the Rebellion. As a child, Ezra didn't know peace either. But for Jacen, Ezra was bound to make it right. He would never have to experience any more war in his young life.

 _I won't let that happen_ , Ezra thought. Jacen would get the future he deserved. A future where he was free.

With that thought, Ezra descended the tower and made his way toward his speeder. He promised Hera he would make it home for dinner, and he wasn't about to break that promise.


End file.
